Auckland burger bar Murder Burger is making meaty inroads into the competitive burger market and all because they tell it as it is. PS, If you’re a vegetarian or easily offended, you may want to choose another Fresh Food News article to read…

There’s something very confronting about buying a beef burger from a man wearing a “Meat is Murder” T-shirt. Especially, when it’s his staff uniform.

But that’s how things go at Murder Burger, a Kiwi gourmet burger store that appears to specialise in downplaying itself in that classic Antipodean way, with great results. Take the online Staff Wanted ad they used before opening their doors in the swish Auckland suburb of Ponsonby late last year.

“We need a bunch of people to hang out with, make burgers and talk shit,” it read. The ad specifically requested student nurses and teachers to apply, explaining, “I’ve gone out with two nurses and two teachers and they were all awesome.” Not wanted were politics students (“Nothing personal, we just don’t understand you”) or methamphetamine addicts. “Again nothing personal. It’s just that the benefit of you being able to work seven shifts in a row is pretty much outweighed by the probability that you will one day flip, grab a knife and become Mr Stabby.”

Unsurprisingly, the ad went viral and garnered 665 applicants worldwide. The menu uses the same tactics. While mainstream takeaway bars keep it snappy, Murder Burger garnishes its list with excessive burger details. “The peanut sauce is actually selected by an Indian friend who is living here illegally but is a genius cook and an above average spin bowler,” the menu says.

Their Hawaiian burger comes with advice: “Whoever came up with the idea of putting pineapple in a burger probably died feeling pretty pleased with himself.”
Their super gourmet free-range chicken burger is described as perfect for girlfriends, because “free range is food Prada”. And their beef, avocado and bacon variety is always highly recommended “because we make good money from this burger”. Vegetarians should go elsewhere. This joint has a proud policy of having zero vegetarian options. They do offer a salad, but it’s called Meat Salad and contains “no vegetables at all”. (The menu adds: “Don’t tell me there’s any part of you that doesn’t want this.”)

The small print is funnier still, with a long ramble about Murder Burger liking money and not accepting Diners Club.

“Not that that seems to be much of a problem as we haven’t even seen a Diners Club since the eighties and I suspect they’ve gone the way of the video recorder,” the owner says, before moving on to discuss an illegally obtained Amex and ending on the 90s TV doctor, Doogie Howser. You get the picture.

You’d think their business was comedy, but it’s burgers, and they’re actually damn good.

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